I was so relieved when the major news outlets began calling our election for Joe Biden. For those who don’t live in the U.S., it takes several weeks for every single vote to be counted and the results certified in every single voting precinct across the country so the election can be officially “called”. I’m not sure who does this official call because I don’t think anyone has ever said it or I didn’t pay any attention because it was already a given who had won. How elections results are announced or unofficially called is through special teams at each news outlet who use statistics from each state’s official source and do calculations of votes cast for each candidate and the estimate of uncounted ballets in each precinct – all put through a number cruncher until they believe there is no way the loosing candidate could catch up. They are very cautious, and sometimes get it wrong but mostly they get it right. This time they were being extra cautious because of Trump’s constant lying that the election process was rigged and the media couldn’t be trusted to tell the truth. As soon as the news source we were watching called the race, most other television and print news sources jumped on board within a matter of minutes.

I felt an overwhelming sense of relief and I wanted to be excited and jubilant but my fear of what lies ahead seemed to be an anchor holding me in place, not allowing me to join in the celebrations happening in cities across my country. The majority of voters said they wanted something new, were tired of the chaos, destruction, and lies of the current leader. This gives me hope but the truth I need to wrestle with is that almost as many people said through their votes that they like the way things are in our government. I don’t get it, but…

The first thing I noticed was that I kept taking deep breaths as I moved around the house, never far from the TV. It felt like I could breath again after holding my breath for the past four years. As I exhale I say to myself, “Everything is going to be okay.” I don’t have to worry about the next daily crisis for our government, our democracy, our people. Except for the next ten week until Inauguration Day.

I was also close to tears all day long. Not tears of joy, or tears of relief; but tears of grief and sorrow over how hard the past four years have been. I don’t have a personality that is prone to anxiety or fear – if there is a problem I find a solution or believe that someone in power will fix it. There are times when life has been difficult, times when injustice seems to outweigh justice. But 76 years of maturation has made me good at distinguishing between what I have control over and what I don’t. The past four years have been different, however, with what seemed like a constant of news creating overwhelming fear and unproductive rage. It will take me a while to lick my wounds and sooth on the balms that heals.

Right now I am too tired to think about how to heal. Right now I am so fatigued that my brain is mush and I’m getting kitchen burns through stupid mistakes. I feel the fatigue that doesn’t lift with a good night’s sleep or a healthy meal or a walk on an unseasonably warm, sunny November day. My daily anger and fear over the past 4 years has wore me down to the point where I can’t pretend any longer, I can’t convince myself that I have enough energy to do what I think I want to do. My attention span is about half a minute and my concentration is about half a sentence long.

I found joy listening to the speeches of Kamala Harris and Joe Biden last night. How wonderful it is to hear a president (elect) and a vice-president (elect) that speak in clear and understandable sentences; who have coherent and well thought out ideas based on science and the knowledge of experts about how to fix our problems. How wonderful to listen to people who are trustworthy, who don’t lie and repeat disclaimed conspiracy theories.

It feels like we, as a democracy, were sorely tested. So many of us were afraid the bedrock of our democracy, elections that allow all people to vote and all votes are honestly counted, was not going to hold against the on-slot of lies and voter repression attempts. But they did. We have proven that our great experiment of rule by and for the people is strong and enduring – even when there are attempts to undermine it by unsavory characters in our country and around the world. Our justice system has been corrupted but I believe it can be fixed and even improved to extend justice to previously disenfranchised groups. There are changes that may need to be made to our Constitution given the changes that have taken place since it was written in 1778. And once again there will be talk about whether the Electoral College that has failed in recent elections should be abolished so that election results are a more honest depiction of the will of our citizens. It feels so wonderful that once again we will be moving forward in our desire to create a “more perfect union.”