Not so Tidy

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We went down dirt roads this past week, Julie and I. I was hoping to see a barn that excited my senses but that didn’t happen – although we did comment on the barns we have photographed before. We’ve been down most of the dirt roads several times, in this bit of Michigan. And we will keep going down them because we never know what we will stumble across as we putter along at a very slow, relaxing speed.

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We stop frequently, usually when we see something in a particularly good light or just because we need to check it out. In the car we talk about this and that – we have built up a trust that allows us to bring up sensitive topics and share the mundane. When we stop, we become engrossed in settings and composition and light and things like that. We have an unspoken rule that we don’t speak when we are poking around dirt roads.

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Dark is closing in tonight and I’m glad to see this day ending – not something this aging self says very often as my days may be numbered. I’ve been in a black mood, no other way to describe it. I think I slept good last night, so my low energy perplexed me. I tried to nap this afternoon but couldn’t go to sleep. It wasn’t the bad-body day that I sometimes have. It was a sunny day, not particularly humid but hot enough (90 f) that we had to turn the air conditioner on late afternoon. I returned to piecing the summer quilt I’m making for our bed, but not with the joy I thought I would have after finishing my granddaughter’s pink quilt. I puttered with a few other household tasks but didn’t finish any of them. I’m into a good book but didn’t feel like reading. I even ruminated about how I would cope if one of my children died, a very unproductive exercise that I quickly ended.

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I have a really hard time converting color photographs to black and white. It is like a wound to the soul to take color out of nature. Maybe I need a black day every once in a while so I can “see” the world in black and white. Maybe a black (and white) day is good motivation to lighten up and move back into the laughter and smiles and color.

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Aaaah, that’s better. These poppies stopped us. They once had been planted and cultivated but have been left to go wild. They are growing among the grasses and weren’t in any mood to pose for us. We didn’t complain because this is what we were going down dirt roads for. When you go down dirt roads the car gets dirty and you find beauty in the messiness of nature.

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I was drawn to the simplicity and sublime order of this late spring day in Michigan. Everything I looked at was beautiful and I sought to capture the beauty with my lens. Maybe all those little scenes weren’t as beautiful as they seemed, or maybe my photography skills need some honing because when I uploaded the photos to my laptop I deleted a whole lot of them.

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The clock on the bookshelf is telling me it is 10:00 so I think I’ll start my bedtime routine. I might even fold the basket of clean clothes I didn’t get to earlier today – or maybe I’ll leave it for tomorrow. The black mood is now just a pressure on the back of my head so maybe one of my adagio CD’s will move it on out as I do what I need to do to lull myself into a happy sleep.

May we all have good sleep and a bright tomorrow.

12 Comments »

  1. I have shared that black mood. The insides push and push to DO and to GO and I dig in my heels resisting, like I forget it’s not winter, or I forget it’s a beautiful LONG day, that in winter I’d have napped twice and been in bed for the night 3 hours earlier. My insides compete for limited body energy to ‘finish’ with the tiny bit of space available and then in the light I find me trying to fill it! Balance!

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  2. You named this mood for me so well, and through your own lens (life and camera). I try to “surrender” to the is-ness and not resist, though I am not always successful at that living-in-this-moment thing. Your flower photos are always balm. May you find joy each day. It is all around us even when we don’t see or feel it. I look for the “smallest” when my mood is dark.

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    • We frequently say “it is what it is” and just go on. 🙂 I can tolerate bad days if I know it is only one – that tomorrow will be better. And today is good although we are suppose to set a heat record today. I’m working inside.

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  3. I think as humans we seem to have, at one time or another, down days. I know I do. At first it confused me, as I could not figure out why. But now when that happens, I don’t try to analyse the heck out of it as I know it will pass. And it always does, sometimes on the same day. Love your photos, specially the allium. Black and white can at times add a level of drama and definition that colour just cannot convey. Stay calm and keep on quilting! Cheers.

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