We sat behind a couple in church this morning who we have known for a very long time. They are older and we see them frequently at local restaurants where they eat breakfast every day. We always stop at their table to say hi, and they are a friendly and kind couple.
Martha is in the early stages of dementia – we recognize the signs because JB’s mother suffered (and also our family, collaterally) from it for many years. This morning, during the time when we greeted each other with a passing of the peace of Christ, Martha wandered a little too far in the sanctuary – across to the next isle. A friend brought her back, saying “Here’s Don” as her husband stepped aside so she could slide into the pew. Martha was returned to him about two seconds after I saw the panic in his quick scan of the area because Martha wasn’t where he had left her as he said hello to friends around him.
Martha was really pissed. As she sat down she mumbled, sarcastically “Are you Don? Like I don’t know who you are!” And she seemed to stew for quite a few minutes. When she first became disoriented, I’m sure she felt some fear but by the time she was guided back to where she wanted to be the fear had morphed into anger.
I think I can understand this type of anger, now that I’m experiencing some of the losses that come with becoming old – understand it from my heart and gut, not just in my head from reading it in a book sometime along the way to here. My hunch is that Martha was angry because she was embarrassed, felt the shame of not being who she knew she was, of not being mentally competent enough to… Find her way back to her seat in church.
I didn’t see the scene of when Martha became confused but I would guess that she looked confused and asked, almost to herself, “Where’s Don?” Her friend could have pointed Don out, but because the friend had been sitting in front of them, she took Martha’s hand, walked her the few feet to where they had been sitting, and said, “Here’s Don.” I can see myself doing the same thing for Martha. But Martha knew what had happened and her sense of self fought back. Her memory had failed her in a way that shouldn’t fail adults – people who have always been competent and capable – especially of finding their way back.
I grieve for Martha, and I am vigilant. I am aware that I am loosing small, itty-bitty pieces of myself in a slow but steady pace. I worry about small signs that I see in my aging loved ones, those signs that may or may not be leading to serious loss of abilities.
When I am with friends we talk about whether it would be harder to loose mental or physical functioning. We wonder if people with dementia ever reach the happy place where they don’t recognize that they have lost their ability to make decisions about the most basic of human being. We worry about becoming socially cut off, left out of social gatherings, if we become physically disabled. And of course we worry about becoming dependent on others for our most basic needs – like being fed, and bathed and toileted.
What seems strange about these musings is that I have been reading about what to do to help myself remain vibrant and “youthful.” I work puzzles and keep active, both socially and physically. I usually eat healthy. But the truth is that I am going to lose mental and physical capacities – I already have. And I don’t know what the future will bring forth. All I can do is have faith that I will adjust in a mostly graceful fashion, and will find meaning and pleasure in my remaining days. I sure hope so.
A New Day: Living Life Almost Gracefully 
I wrote a post this morning about having drawn a cocoon around myself by immersing myself in the simple things around me, in response to grief. I think it applies to thoughts of what may come in the way of illness also. Choosing to concentrate on the good and beautiful things I find in my little world could be said to be a cop out by some. But the only person who can give you peace is yourself, and so far I’m doing a great job!
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It seems to me that we only need to focus on our aging and health as long as there is something we need to do to keep ourselves as active and connected to the world as possible. Anything more is just spinning our wheels and leads to anxiety or depression. I, too, like to surround myself with things that are good and beautiful. All the people and things that bring joy into my life. I enjoyed your comment – thanks.
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I think we all hope for the same, Pat. Meantime, enjoy all that you can 🙂 Dementia is so sad to observe.
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Great post Pat. I also find myself thinking about these things. The last thing my husband and I want is to become a burden on our girls. So we try to do the things that will keep us as healthy as we can. Take care
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Hi Pat,
What a fine post! I identified deeply with your thoughts and experience, so much so that I responded to them in a post I wrote. Anyway, I hope some folks follow the link and visit your blog. Great warmth, Michael
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Thanks, Michael. I find that there are a few bloggers (like you) who inspire me and stimulate my writing and it makes me happy that I did that for you.
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Losing it is a scary thought, and none of us know if it will happen to us. 😦
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i have a lot of thoughts. the loudest is: you fookin accept it, i’m gonna keep shouting at it angrily! I’ll grit my teeth and keep banging my head until I get to where i was….sigh please do not ask me: how’s that workin for ya powerless, helpless, victim EWWWW i have these judgements and agreements i have made in my head, maybe if i look at them i could have a different perspective but dammit i have agreed to believe doing so would be settling for less, lowering my bottom ggrrrrr
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A lot to think about these days…thanks for sharing this story and thoughts.
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Maybe Aunt Bea will chime in with her thoughts about aging. 🙂 Give her a visit this week.
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I agree with Sue. The future could go any way. I saw a great program on TV recently made by the English actor Martin Clunes. In it he explored what happens when we age. Of course he looked at how we often lose memories etc but he also looked at some rarely reported aspects of aging. In the aging brain the link between the two hemispheres becomes stronger. That means we can become more creative and make intuitive creative leaps and connections that just weren’t possible when we were younger. We also become more loving and patient – particularly with the very young. With regular exercise our bodies can stay in shape too.
I saw that anger that can go with dementia in my father too. It seems to be a part of the condition. I don’t think it’s inevitable that we all go down that route though.
Changing the way we think about aging and revising our expectations could go long way towards ensuring our old age is a rich and positive as possible.
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Thanks for sharing this information, Suzanne. I do agree that there are so many benefits of aging that I really wouldn’t want to go back to a younger age. Sounds like we have another post developing.
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That’s good – I look forward to reading it.
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We none of us know what the future holds, Pat….I am already losing physical capacity through MS, and having had family members suffer with dementia, it looks a bit worrying….but I shall aim to enjoy the time I have in the present, and have a positive mental attitude for as long as I am able….
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I agree, Sue, that we do need to enjoy the time I have in the present – and work to keep our attitude positive. There is still the surprise of experiencing something that I knew happened – at least to other people. LOL Fibromyalgia isn’t a degenerative disease like MS but I’m finding that it magnifies the changes due to aging. We need to hang together, Sue.
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We do, Pat! On a happy note, I have been told I am an inspiration by a number of people, including the young woman who was my guide in the Cuban taxi in Havana…..she said to me ‘keep doing what you do!’
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As long as we get that kind of feedback we know we are still doing good! Hooray for you, Sue. Here’s to another wonderful day.
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Have a lovely day yourself, Pat
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